When the Goblin IT Department Gets Bored

October 27, 2009

A few weeks back when we started this communication with our customers, I approached the goblins in the basement of the factory who usually take care of our personal calculators and other computing devices. As you can imagine, I am not exactly a numbers guy, but I do sometimes have a use for the technical devices the company provides.

ancientcomputer2I assumed the guys who deal with those devices would be the best equipped in helping me get this communication thing setup. I don’t really know a ton about the Interwebz, or whatever they call it. That is what the technical goblins called it at least, though it always seemed to be followed with a snicker out of the side of their mouth.

The meeting I had scheduled to petition their help took place in the main conference room upstairs near the management offices. This conference room is mostly glass windows looking out on Booty Bay. It is frequently sunny and incredibly bright.

When the goblins finally showed up they arrived in a pack of three. One was incredibly thin and dressed in what looked like a cheap imitation of the corporate goblins. While the intended effect was a professional appearance, it came across as a combination between desperate and clueless.

The second goblin was corpulently fat. Really there is nothing else I can say.

Wait. Yes there is.

He also smelled ten times worse than the sweaty and unwashed guards in Orgrimmar.

The final participant in the meeting was a mousy little fellow with horn rimmed glasses that were taped in the middle from some altercation that no doubt simply contributed to his timid personality.

The trio nearly caused me to break out into a fit of laughter as they shuffled into the conference room.  It quickly became even more amusing however as the professional and fat ones shuddered from the window light, as if they were evil demons overcome with holy light.  They cried out in surprise and quickly raised their arms to their face to shield the light.

I am pretty sure the diminutive one would have done the same had he not been in the shadow of the fat one.

Once they shuffled over to the table, slowly lowering their arms as their eyes and pale green skin adjusted to the sunlight, we began our discussion.  I explained what I was looking for, a place to talk to our customers about the value of our products, and immediately Fatty and Mouse rolled their eyes.

They began mumbling under their breath about how they had other things to work on that were much more important.  I didn’t hear all of it, and they used a bunch of language I really didn’t understand.  Some type of goblin undercommon I think, though it was mixed with standard orc as well.

The guy in the crumpled suit finally raised his hand and they begrudgingly quieted down.  He explained to me that such a request was a pretty low priority and that they were unlikely to get to it for many months.

I reminded him that it was an initiative from upper management and they quieted their complaints, begrudingly willing to assist in what I needed.

They began outlining where I should create this site and gave me the information to go start it.  They chuckled and laughed to themselves the entire time, but I mostly ignored it.  I had assumed it was simply more awkward nervousness from the Tech Trio.

You can imagine my excitement as I began this endeavor, outlining the content I wanted to provide to our customers and getting everything setup.  As many of you know, we launched a few weeks back and everything had gone mostly well.

Yesterday Fatty came into my office and was laughing hysterically.  I could smell him before he even arrived.

Apparently, those little twits thought it would be funny to tell me all the wrong stuff about how to setup this site.  Their constant laughing and chuckling was the result of giving me bad information about how to get started.

Sooo…  I have spent the last week just trying to get things setup correctly.  As if my days weren’t busy enough trying to dodge the explosions and esoteric contraptions, I had the enjoyable experience of changing how the site was setup.

I do apologize to all of you who have already developed into loyal customers, and those of you who may in the future.  There is a slight change to the address of the site and the address of the RSS feed however.  The old addresses will work for the near future.  Eventually however there may be issues with those addresses connecting.

Our new website address is http://thegoblinworkshop.com

Our new RSS feed address is http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheGoblinWorkshop

Thank you for understanding.  And don’t worry, the Tech Trio’s story of amusement and woe isn’t over yet.  I will keep an eye out for ways to return the favor to them.

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Goblin Workshop Opens Its Doors

September 30, 2009

We stand here before the tiny miniature doors of the Goblin Workshop, waiting with baited breath while the goblins inside finalize their first product to roll off the production floor.  The door itself is a good representation of their typical craftsmanship.  In one word, I would describe it as eclectic.  It is adorned with over a hundred gears, all shaped and sized discordantly.  The interlocking teeth seem to defy logic at times.  Oval gears rotate in an irregular pattern, yet interact with other gears on what appears to be a conscious choice.  Toggle bars flip back and forth in response to cycling discs, sometimes so fast it provides the illusion of  a steel butterfly rather than an actual metal bar.

Honestly, I’m not sure these adornments do anything…

The goblins claim that each is an integral component of the construction.  They claim the components are involved in key functions such as portal opening assistance, hinge lubrication management, fixture rotation, timed portal release, self-cleaning routines, and… squirrel defense protections.

Like I said, I don’t think these things do anything at all.

shadowgearRegardless of their construction method or esoteric engineering designs, these guys know their stuff.  Their instructions and advice on addons and mods for World of Warcraft is unparalleled.  I just hope that I can decipher their ramblings sufficiently to make sense.  It isn’t easy trying to understand an angry three foot tall ball of hate and deflected discrimination.  They would rather be working on the production or engineering floor, so when I do get them to open up, it is usually for short periods of brilliance.  Let’s hope I can decipher it.  Of course, that means you are destined to listen to my long winded, winding commentary.  Lucky you.

With any luck, we will include different types of information about mods, addons, and the user interface of World of Warcraft.  This could include:

  • General UI design/recommendations
  • Mod/Addon overviews
  • Top mod/addon lists
  • Mod/Addon configuration guides
  • Other stuff these crazy goblins give me

If we cover ten percent of this lofty set of goals, we will be lucky.

I hear a commotion behind those doors that suggests the little green monsters are ready.  Maybe those dials and gears on the door really do serve some function.  They are moving more vigorously now.  In fact, I think I see a tiny crack of light between the two massive doors as they begin to open.

Here we go…